Perseverance

I'm growing tired but I have to keep going,
The waters are rough but I have to keep rowing.

Where am i to find the strength,
To gather my might and go the length.

It's hard, it's hard I sigh and gasp,
I want to shout and cry and an island clasp.

But deep inside within my 'I',
A voice says go forth go forth without asking why.

The island you search for is within your 'I',
Know this and the gathering moss will forever die.

The little voice resounds of a thousand trumpets not in sight,
From the blinding darkness I begin to see the light.

The gasps vanish, the tears dry,
I am ready for more, what's there to sigh.

The pain is now, the memory will pass,
What I dream of will one day surely come to last.

The Biggest Realizations of the past few years

There are things we learn every single day. A new skill, a new recipe, a new style of negotiation, a new program. Something new, something we didn't know about. And we do this whether we like it or not. It's happening. 

And then, there are things we know already. This knowledge is not new - it's not something we didn't know about. In fact, it's so subtle, so simple, so easy-to-understand, it is so close to living itself that we aren't even conscious of its existence, let alone doing anything with this knowledge. It's so deeply embedded and inherent to our very existence. 

I started on a quest of this kind of innate self-knowledge 3.5 years ago not fully knowing what I was getting into. In the last 10 months, my quest has started showering me with the ultimate gift - many realizations. And hence also the strength to develop and nurture myself and contribute meaningfully to others. 

This post is about that which has connected me to my core, that which I didn't know I felt innately earlier, I knew innately, I was drawn to - but with innumerable experiences, guidance, pure love and friendships that have emerged, I have realized some of these things deeply enough - so that it’s not just intellectual knowledge anymore, not another phase of life - instead it’s a way of living. It’s my slow awakening to who I am. For this, I will be forever grateful to those, alive and in spirit, for what they have left behind for me, for their memory, their contribution will live forever inside me. None of these I accepted easily. The one thing I could not do was meek acceptance. The churning inside has initiated a whole new meaning to the spirit of inquiry – it’s all about questioning - questioning myself, others, what I see, experience, what others say, what they express. I have taken what I felt was right for me. What I have actually realized. 

Putting it mildly, these realizations have been powerful - powerful beyond measure. Their work is in the subtle spaces, undefinable, grey and fascinating! It’s like watching the dolphins on Discovery except you realize that you yourself are the dolphin swimming in the sea. You can genuinely feel and think and act based on these realizations. Their work happens in the subconscious, all the time and in absolutely any and all situations - handling an angry outburst, reaching a place 10 mins late, cutting vegetables, writing to a friend, worrying about calling another, potting a plant, cleaning a cupboard, giving something of deep personal value..... 

Intellectually, many of these could even seem simple common sense. It could also seem like a laundry list to some. But, to me, their work has been in the subtle, the inexplicable, their presence and absence visible only when you wish to see, only when the window to your heart is open. This is like walking on slippery waters or on the edge of a sword. Yet, learning to walk here is a quest of a lifetime.

1. Better and right understanding of the self helps in better and right understanding of all that is part of the world, the planet. Like the centre of a cycle wheel doesn’t actually move compared to the rim, I can identify the deep core of my being while going through experiences and life. So, move from the rim to centre. (Neeraj sir) 
2. Respect is in me. It's not out there. It's not transactional. It can neither be given nor taken. (Vinish ji) 
3. Right understanding comes when its aligned with natural laws and universal justice. (Vinish ji) 
4. Each person acts in accordance to his / her own understanding - har ek apni samajh ke satya se kaam karta hai. Aur har ek ki samajh ka satya alag hai. (Jayesh bhai) 
5. Chintaa nahi karna hai, chintan karna hai. [Don't worry. Reflect.] (Jayesh bhai) 
6. Hum sab ek hain – seeing all in one and one in all (Jayesh bhai, Vinish ji) 
7. There is ALWAYS a higher middle path. But to find that elusive road is hard work. (Buddha) 
8. Life is suffering. Suffering is due to attachment. No attachment = No suffering. Yet, all suffering is not bad. Most is worthwhile. (Buddha, Self) 
9. Nothing lasts forever. The only truth is impermanence. (Buddha) 
10. Carrots and marbles can never do what true love and real understanding can. (Self) 
11. Focused consistent effort and non-attachment to results. (Gita) 
12. 4Rs - refuse, reduce, re-use, recycle. Recycle is last. Refuse is first. Keep things in perspective. Avoid accumulation. Nurture. (Ravi bhaiya) 
13. See with the I, not with the eye - see things for what they are not what they appear to be (Vinish ji) 
14. Seeing is not believing. One can count the seeds in an orange but not the oranges in a seed. (Amma, Vinish ji and Ravi bhaiya) 
15. Beliefs are not facts. Never mix the two. Discern clearly. (Stephen Covey, Kanishka Sinha, Vinish ji) 
16. Choose an unwavering belief that the others intention is good. Create trustworthiness. Create trust. Competency is another matter. Recognize and change general tendency to judge ourselves by intention but others by their behaviour/competence. (Vinish ji) 
17. Going from right intellectual evaluation and understanding of something to actually developing and practicing it as a good habit is an obstacle course in self-realization. (Self, Kanishka Sinha) 
18. I will always choose to look for and seek potential, yet I will not be blind to the flaws. Balance. Faith. (Appa, Shaheen) 
19. Being conscious about a growth mindset (Surya, Shaheen and of course, Carol Dweck :) 
20. In the cycle of life - of birth, life, death and rebirth - the only baggage I can carry is good karma and positive vibrations. So I must develop the strength to make that matter. (Self) 
21. Sirf hamara dhyaan jaata hai to hum mitti se mobile bana dete hain! So a big realization is life is less about what I believe and more about being mindful at all times, paying attention in the here and now and basically, choosing to notice. At every moment. (Vinish ji) 
22. Life = Interdependence (Life, Stephen Covey, Nipun bhai) 
23. Gratitude for what is – for ALL the effort, love, action and thought that went into putting before me every grain of rice and every ounce of air and every photon of sunlight (Nipun bhai, Jayesh bhai) 
24. True giving happens when I give of myself and when there is nothing left to take – the mind-set of abundance ((Nipun bhai, Jayesh bhai) 
25. Life is not in 0 and 1, black and white, right and wrong. Its beauty is in its many shades of grey. (Life) 
26. Realism is not separated from idealism. Realism is tending towards idealism. To be one or the other is to either lose hope or to live in hope alone. Neither seems wise. Balance does. (Sapna) 
27. There’s a difference between dreams and strategies. Dreams are to be kept alive. Strategies change. (Sapna) 
28. Thinking Globally. Acting locally. (Jayesh bhai) 
29. Enterprise = Need (Idea) + Value (Innovation) + Sustenance (Humanizing) [Neeraj sir] 
30. There is no heat without fire. And no fire without friction. Embrace friction. (Neeraj sir) 
31. I recognize the power of words and the economy and mindfulness in their use (Neeraj sir) 
32. Life is one indivisible whole. (Gandhi) 
33. Body, Mind, Heart and Spirit -> Need, Skills, Service (Passion), Joy (Meaning) [P.Kaipa, Covey] 
34. Ask myself: Am I being the horse? Or am I being the cart? (Well try to be the horse mostly!) (The Morpheus) 
35. ‘isms’ and extremes are like Menaka – attractive but deceptive. Pick out the best flowers in each plant and try to create a garland with love. But accept the dried and the prickly ones as much. (Ravi bhaiya) 
36. I have the courage to accept failure. But am learning to embrace it graciously. Learn and let go to the point of stillness. When the heart is quiet and centred. (Prasad Kaipa) 
37. Every 6 months, I will do something that I wouldn’t do otherwise. (Prasad Kaipa) 
38. Consumption to Contribution. Transaction to Trust. Scarcity to Abundance. Isolation to Community. I to We. (My Appa and Amma, Nipun bhai, Jayesh bhai, Anuj, Bhavna, Amruta, Harsh, Vinish ji, Stephen Covey, Ravi bhaiya, Gandhi, Kishan) 
39. Action in inaction and Inaction in Action (Gita, Vinoba Bhave) 
40. First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. (Gandhi) 
41. But for the good leader, when his work is done, when his aims fulfilled, people will say we did it ourselves. (Lao Tzu) 
42. Seven social sins: politics without principles, wealth without work, pleasure without conscience, knowledge without character, commerce without morality, science without humanity, and worship without sacrifice (Gandhi) 
43. Today I know that physical training should have as much place in the curriculum as mental training. (Gandhi) Do something that involves nurturing. (Vinish ji) 
44. Waste = A resource – but in the wrong place. (Vinish ji) 
45. It is now my opinion that in all Indian curricula of higher education there should be a place for Hindi, Sanskrit, Persian, Arabic and English, besides of course the vernacular (Gandhi) 
46. Infinite patience (Amma Appa, Surya, Sheetal, Jayesh bhai, Anar ben)
47. 'Take the example of a house. You want to enter the house, but it has high walls around it. You go to the wall and fight to get past it. You cannot. What happens? Your head is broken. But if you find a small door, you can get into the house and go wherever you want. Hut you have to find the door. Like that, when I meet a landlord he has many faults and shortcomings, and his egotism is like a wall. But he has a little door, a little goodness in his heart. When you are prepared to find the door, you rise above your own egotism and you enter his life. Don't worry about his faults, find the door. If sometimes I cannot find the door it is my fault: my fault that I am banging my head against his shortcomings.' (Vinoba bhave, Jayesh bhai)

Unlearning Reason, Learning Faith

I am surprised with myself. Because I understand these words now. I wouldn't have one year ago. 

But I do now. 

“It is beyond my power to induce in you a belief in God. There are certain things which are self-proved and certain which are not proved at all. The existence of God is like a geometrical axiom. It may be beyond our heart grasp. I shall not talk of an intellectual grasp. Intellectual attempts are more or less failures, as a rational explanation cannot give you the faith in a living God. For it is a thing beyond the grasp of reason. It transcends reason. There are numerous phenomena from which you can reason out the existence of God, but I shall not insult your intelligence by offering you a rational explanation of that type. I would have you brush aside all rational explanations and begin with a simple childlike faith in God. If I exist, God exists. With me it is a necessity of my being as it is with millions. They may not be able to talk about it, but from their life you can see that it is a part of their life. I am only asking you to restore the belief that has been undermined. In order to do so, you have to unlearn a lot of literature that dazzles your intelligence and throws you off your feet. Start with the faith which is also a token of humility and an admission that we know nothing, that we are less than atoms in this universe. We are less than atoms, I say, because the atom obeys the law of its being, whereas we in the insolence of our ignorance deny the law of nature. But I have no argument to address to those who have no faith.”

                                       - Gandhi

Working without working!!!

When I had started this journey in Jan 2012 with a determination to not take a formal job role, there were some eoy goals ;) - 

1. spend quality time with ma and pa 

2. b-school

3. research for the 'then' dream - a chocolate+village development business

4. take up training assignments 

5. develop discipline and self-discovery (I know its cheesy!)

The 1st was most organic - as it should be. 

The 2nd has been ongoing and still carries on - hope this search will end soon.

3rd? Huge bellow of thunder. Trumpets blow. Hands shake. The ball of vision begins to Fall. Alas!                Sloooowwww mooooootion - well now hold yourself in that slow motion. Will it fall or will a magician's move bounce it back up again? Time will tell. For now, thanks to the 5th - this has been pushed out of the list. 

4th - Also connected to 5th in a big way - could see the tunnel - now can see the light too! 

5th - Invaluable. Maximum ROI. Most powerful in this journey so far......

a story of intangibles in a world that seeks the tangibles alone. 

and that is a separate blog altogether....   

Reviving the Festival Feel Within.

Today lo and behold! Woke up in the morning with the thought of what I'd like to get done today for Diwali! 

I came up a few things:

Contemplate the biggest hurdles I face now
          - experiment with the power of positive and rational thoughts 


Make Diwali cards for the policemen on guard on this festive day
          - experiment with random kindness - mostly practicing mindfulness 
          - revive my creative strengths
• Write to some people I may have caused harm to or hurt                                                                            - experiment with the idea of triumph of good over evil, humility and the deepest level of  fearlessness to ask for forgiveness

Putting this in perspective, a festival-ish thinking is totally unlike my 'old' me - having lived a non-family life for many years - these festivals were just a much-needed holiday from the rush and run that 'life' had become. I would be like - so yeeeaaaah - its Diwali - what do we have here - 4 days! - let me just lie in bed and switch channels, sleep, meet friends, wash clothes, drink, watch movies.....basically, I just never got up enough energy and/or sufficient parental wisdom and enthusiasm ;) never got passed on to me to want to change from my grey pajamas to a bright salwar kurta, uncombed hair to combed, lying in bed to saying some prayers, being lazy to taking initiative! 

And now, with my most precious possession - my time being truly mine for the last 10 months, I find that  this space to really determine what exactly I 'want' to do with all this time is supremely liberating but also a big responsibility! 

The first - of contemplation with only positive rational thoughts was productive. Its worked largely. Not one pulling negative thought, no wishing ill to anyone, no killing or worrying myself over something I could have done better. Wrote down the biggest issues and what's happening with it. Chill - smile - what goes around comes around!  

The second - the idea of drawing and painting (which I used to love as a kid) to make Diwali greeting cards turned out to be quite a challenge! I guess the 'schooling' in me killed that interest long long ago. Kept pushing it till today, till Diwali arrived! Took me 3 hours and 3 tries to get the final design right. It's too simple but well, I have got started with the old, dried water colors, the waxiness of wax crayons, the art of cutting paper smoothly (the thicker the paper, the more the scissors do their tandav!), the feel and smell of gum on my fingers...and oh! the message in Hindi script was a good 10 mins to write the 1st time - terrible for a north-born, north-bred (lesson: got to write a few lines in Hindi every week!) 

Essence: I loved it! There's something endearingly soothing about working with the hand and the mind with the purpose to serve without expectation.
Result: Trip to Mayur Vihar police chowky and the happiness and hand shakes and beliefs faced is a story for another blog following soon!

The third - and the most difficult one - I haven't done yet. Some from the first has gone into its prep. Tomorrow's a new day! :D

Papu Manni, 89 & Married *74* Years

Wise people have said so many wise things. But it is only in a single indescribable moment when the self experiences the truth and something just clicks in place!

Today I had one of those moments.

Today, the impermanence and fragility of life is more real to me than ever before.

Today, I met Papu Manni, an adorable little aunt, who recently lost her husband, Ramu Mama, an adorable little uncle.
What's unusual to me is that this year, she is turning 90 while Mama died at 93.
Papu manni and Ramu mama got married on 2nd June 1938. 

They were married for - Lo and Behold! - 

74 Years!!

74 Years of love, togetherness, kindness and good health!
They did not have children.
They did have a lot of love, simplicity, intelligence and caring.

Still held hands. :D

In the few moments I spent with an adorable liitle aunt, Papu Manni, I truly internalized that in life, what's worth working for, what's worth fighting for is all the little stuff that I leave behind - and its actually all the intangible stuff. No matter how much a person tries to measure it - the number of lives he/she changed, the number of tubewells he got dug, the amount of money he saved, the deals he got signed, all that measurable stuff, on his deathbed, what counts is that intangible experience that he/she cannot measure, cannot touch but can only feel.

So to me, just 3 things that we leave behind and that finally matter:

• the fruit of ones actions
• the memories left behind in others hearts and minds
• the longing and the little knick knacks that our loved ones have to deal with (specs, a fave T, an earring...)

Another big lesson is that life does go on.

Make no mistake. In no measure am I sad or in some discomfort as I write this. :)
As a child I best remembered Papu Manni and Ramu Mama for their large house with a huge courtyard and a Fiat parked inside....it had the sort of old world charm that reminded one of going back into the photographs of the 70s...I loved that place for we could play there, and for the sweet welcoming smiles that they always had for me and Bhavna, my sis. They were a petite couple, soft-spoken but sharp.

In all, good human beings.

Some things that Papu Manni said today that I'd like to remember...

• Sometimes there is nothing better than not having enough money (Panam vandama irkurda souryama pocha) 
• When giving something to a person, give to a person who will know its real value and respect its soul (Samaan kudkardana armai terenja vall ta daan kudkarda) 
• Spend the money on care of others, fulfilling ur dharma, purchase the needed, not on 30 different dishes with 5 sweets and 500 guests and a big tamasha and show. So much food gets wasted, do I want my marriage to start with disproportionate food wastage and some unhappy guests who felt uncared for? (Dhaanam dharmam oda, sapaadu, panam waste pannama simple kalyanam paanikerdu better) 

My mum always talked about these things but hearing it from a woman who has shared her life lessons, has loved and lost and yet in essence, won - it carries tremendous weight in my heart.

What am I doing on a BLOG?

It's time.

To challenge myself to be candid with myself.
To commit upfront what I will do and won't do.
To admit upfront what I am doing and not doing.

This is the place where I will be pushing my boundaries on the truth - with the purpose that I hold myself accountable to my 'self', to the promises I make, to the commitments I make.

There will be
confession time
celebration time
criticizing time
and of course, mostly
FUN time!

Some VALUES I commit to practicing here:

1. Honesty. No to diplomacy. Yes to empathy.
2. See things for what they are. Not what they seem to be. Question. Analyse. Not over-analyse.
3. Respect. For self. For others. Without violence and effortlessly.
4. Humor. On self and on others. ;)
5. Focus on the meaning and the feeling. Shabdon pe mat jao. Arth ko samjho saab, bhavna ko samjho!

Those who visit my blog are free to respectfully comment, share their views and keep in mind these values.

Now, I guess I am onto a good start! :)